That smashed fingernails feeling…

bruised fogHave you ever smashed the heck out of your finger with a hammer – or slammed it in a door – or whatever – and lost the fingernail? It hurt’s like bloody hell initially, and then, until the fingernail grows back, you have a hyper-sensitive reminder of what you did every time you accidentally touch where your fingernail was.

I think it’s a fairly accurate description of what my emotions have been doing for the past week. Not that the previous years were easy, but… The previous weekend and the beginning of last week were a serious hammer blow: first dealing with how Sam came to pick up our son for his supervised visit and let my cat run out of the house in the process and refused to move out of the doorway to I could run after Serenity, which was reminiscent of his neglect and abuse of our cats when we were together. Then triggered by my attorney telling me that I need to seek therapy because that wasn’t abuse…

So, Sam used to re-define reality and tell me that I was wrong – no matter what I said happened, even if I agreed with him, I was wrong. “No, Michelle, I did not promise that we’d go hiking this weekend.” Or “I said we’d go, but I didn’t promise, so I don’t have to do it.” “No, I didn’t ever tell you that we’d go. You’re stupid / crazy / making it up.” But I knew, he’d promised; whatever the outing was, I’d look forward to it for days or weeks. But, upon his persistent insistence that I had it wrong, I’d start doubting that I’d heard him say we would go, maybe he’s right, I’m crazy / stupid.

Now my attorney, who is supposed to be helping me through the legal wrangling, basically told me I’m off my rocker and my perception is skewed. She told me that Sam blocking my door didn’t happen, it wasn’t intimidating, it wasn’t a continuance of the abuse. Excuse me? She wasn’t there; she can’t tell me he didn’t do that. She didn’t live with Sam for over 10 years. She doesn’t know what patterns his abuse takes. Let me be clear: I do not think my attorney was being abusive – just unprofessional; there is no pattern of abuse in her dealings with me. If the courts wouldn’t see his current actions as abuse, then I need to know that. What she had no right to do was to deny that it happened or imply I’m crazy.

I guess, I’m just echoing my last post: am I being too sensitive? Because of what she said, though, I seriously questioned whether or not any of what I put up with in regards to Sam was abuse: well if I was wrong about Sam’s actions being abusive this time, maybe I was wrong before. Maybe he had every right to intimidate, threaten, and rape me. Maybe it wasn’t rape…

Why can it be so hard for me to call Sam’s behavior what it was: He was / is intimidating, his means of winning an argument or disagreement was to threaten physical violence. When it came to sex, even if he was my husband, I SAID NO. I had every right to say no and he had no right to ignore that no.

Why do I let others tell me what I experience / have experienced is not real?


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