It’s been a while

It’s been a while, both since I posted here and since I last heard from Sam…  But it’s almost Max’s birthday, so an e-mail from Sam popped up asking how he could deliver a present to Max.

Is it progress that while the first thought that entered my mind as I read the e-mail from Sam is “I hate you,” it’s not a blinding pain? It’s just a quiet little statement.  Not the “I HATE YOU FOR HURTING US!!!!” that was showing up in my journal years ago.  Yesterday’s “I hate you,” was more like a reflex, and not a vocalization of raw pain.

It didn’t feel; it was just a statement.  I want to believe that it means I’m that much closer to my goal of not caring about Sam, about anything he is or does.  I think right now it’s a calculated indifference (or why else would that statement be the first thing that I think when reading his e-mail?). But maybe I am closer to a lack of concern for him.

And here’s my thought process for hoping for indifference towards Sam:

  • Love and hate are really just two sides of the same coin.
  • So, hatred is just love flipped around.
  • Continuing to hate Sam for the things he did to me and to Max is still giving Sam so much power.
  • I’m tired of how holding onto that hatred, anger and hurt towards Sam drains me.  He is not worth it.
  • If hatred is not the opposite of love, apathy / indifference must be.  Apathy is a lack of feeling or emotion.  That is what I want thoughts of Sam to engender: nothing.

So.  Progress?  I hope so.  And now, I’ll get back to trying to figure out an awesome way to celebrate Max’s 10th birthday.  (10 Years Old already! a Decade! Double Digits!  Woo hoo!)


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