It’s been a while, both since I posted here and since I last heard from Sam… But it’s almost Max’s birthday, so an e-mail from Sam popped up asking how he could deliver a present to Max.
Is it progress that while the first thought that entered my mind as I read the e-mail from Sam is “I hate you,” it’s not a blinding pain? It’s just a quiet little statement. Not the “I HATE YOU FOR HURTING US!!!!” that was showing up in my journal years ago. Yesterday’s “I hate you,” was more like a reflex, and not a vocalization of raw pain.
It didn’t feel; it was just a statement. I want to believe that it means I’m that much closer to my goal of not caring about Sam, about anything he is or does. I think right now it’s a calculated indifference (or why else would that statement be the first thing that I think when reading his e-mail?). But maybe I am closer to a lack of concern for him.
And here’s my thought process for hoping for indifference towards Sam:
- Love and hate are really just two sides of the same coin.
- So, hatred is just love flipped around.
- Continuing to hate Sam for the things he did to me and to Max is still giving Sam so much power.
- I’m tired of how holding onto that hatred, anger and hurt towards Sam drains me. He is not worth it.
- If hatred is not the opposite of love, apathy / indifference must be. Apathy is a lack of feeling or emotion. That is what I want thoughts of Sam to engender: nothing.
So. Progress? I hope so. And now, I’ll get back to trying to figure out an awesome way to celebrate Max’s 10th birthday. (10 Years Old already! a Decade! Double Digits! Woo hoo!)