I know. I know it seems like such a long time. To some one starting to heal, 10 years is a long time to struggle. Hell, when you’re just starting to acknowledge the hurt, 5 minutes feels like forever.
News stories and research that I’ve been doing on laws and legislation have been putting a lot of strain on the healing I’ve done. One way that I’m made aware of this is that I’ve been having nightmares about Sam. Nothing as horrid as when I first left him, but since he’s in the dreams, they’re full of fear. Last night was another. The difference was, though, that in this dream, I managed to get to my cell phone and call the police. For the very first time, in my dream, I took control and called for help. I dialed and spoke calmly to dispatch. Explained that my ex was refusing to leave my home and there was a court order that he wasn’t supposed to be there. In this dream, Sam left before dispatch asked for more info.
Does that seem insignificant? It was only a dream, after all. But. Oh. I woke up feeling strong and calm. I suppose to put it in perspective, it might help to have an idea of what some of the other nightmares were like. Previously, nightmares involving Sam were studies in having absolutely no control, no say in what happened, in reliving fear and hurts, in running but never getting away from him, of nearly dying as I shielded Max.
When I was little, and up until Sam, I had a trick with nightmares. I was able to change channels if my dreams were scary. It seemed so simple. It didn’t always change to sweet dreams, but I could slip away through other dreams – or wake up. And then Sam. And I lost whatever remote control that I’d had to switch away from nightmares.
Last night, though. Almost 10 years since I first left Sam. 8 years since I finally filed for divorce. Last night, in my nightmare, I had the strength to not only shield Max, but also to call for help and make Sam leave.
It seems so minor, even now as I’m writing about it, but the feeling it left when I woke up was huge.
persephonerevenant 