I guess it’s safe to say that my track record at sharing what I’m working on or experiencing is less than consistent. I don’t know. I hope that on the occasion that I do share, it helps others when they stumble across my hidden little corner; I know sharing helps me. I’m also finding that looking back at the few posts I’ve shared previously helps me see how much has changed: how much I’ve changed and healed.
In the time I’ve been gone from here, I managed to buy a condo for Max and I. No more sharing a one bedroom apartment, and I have a garage! If you also live in a northern state, you may understand how incredibly happy I am that I will no longer start my day by scraping ice and snow from the car all winter long. I’ve started and completed work on a masters degree. I think I’m finding my voice.
Max is now in junior high and officially a teenager and I’m still in awe of this person – who’s not so little anymore – who still sees so much to admire in this world, even when he acknowledges the parts he thinks are messed up. Just by the discussions we have about his day and the things he’s noticed, he reminds me to stop once in a while to look at the mountains and how they’ve changed with the seasons. We’re looking for a dog to adopt and welcome into our family. It’s tricky, though, as the new addition will need to be able to deal with our cat, Serenity. In all honesty, Serenity tends to be pretty pushy with other animals that try to get his attention; and he’s big (at least part Maine Coon), so the dog will need to be big enough to hold his own against Serenity, but also smart enough to generally leave him alone.
Max and I are also adjusting to my mom moving in with us. He’s handling it much better than I tend to. I love her, but there have been times already where I feel like a teenager pushing back at parental restrictions. And then there are times I feel like I’m the parent and she’s the teenager. It’ll be interesting.
So that’s the brief synopsis on Home.
On the Sam front: it’s now been over 3 years since Max last saw Sam, which makes it about 6 years since there was a court-approved and supervised visit. I still don’t get it: how can Sam let that much time pass without seeing Max? Why doesn’t he do the things the court said he has to do in order to see Max again? I don’t get it, and I’m aware that I never will.
I’ve been talking a little more about the abuse and rape. Sharing more in semi-public settings to offer support to other survivors, and trying share resources that helped me. Which ties into my post yesterday. Because I’ve been up front about what happened, I’ve lost friends and I’ve distanced myself from extended family members. Not everyone understands why I’ve done that and some think that I’ll “come around” later and let them back into my life. I wouldn’t rule it out, but I also don’t think there’s much that would change my mind. Not with the friends I’ve let go. And I don’t think the extended family members realize that the trust is broken and while they’re still related by blood, they’re no longer going to be someone I trust with either my emotions or well-being, or Max’s.
So there’s an update.