Tag Archives: Depression

Today I came across an article telling part of a young man’s (Trey Malone) story. Not all of it, by any means; there is always so much more to a person than can fit into an article, or even a series of articles. What it details are after-effects of an unthinkable act committed against him and provided a link to his heart-wrenching and very eloquent suicide note.

I’m struck by several things as I read the story (here’s the link) and Trey Malone’s note, published in full at The Good Men Project site (link here) with his family’s permission.

The Huff Post story, while it outlined sexual assault as a contributing factor to Trey Malone’s decision to end his life and cited allegations that the college has failed to adequately respond to and address sexual assaults on their campus, and failed to provide adequate support to victims, provided only a single support resource link at the end of the article: to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. It did not provide any phone numbers or links to support resources for rape and sexual assault survivors. I do hope the oversight will be corrected.

The Malone family, in allowing the note to be published, shows incredible courage in the face of heartbreak. I would like to thank them for allowing the publication and offer my sincere condolences for their loss.

To fellow survivors trying to deal with victim blame, depression, feelings of isolation and / or shame, myself included, I would like to offer the following:

NOTHING you did, or did not do, justified having your will, your sense of safety, your sense of self, shattered and ripped away like it was. You did not “allow” it. You did not “ask for it.” The fault lies not with you. No matter what you may have been told, or how you yourself might feel, you are not weak. Having survived the physical, emotional and psychological effects so far is a sign of strength.

May we find peace, healing and continued strength.

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Struggling — again

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I don’t know what it is lately. We’re gaining sunlight… It’s gorgeous outside with the frost and snow covered trees… I’m so, so close to a personal goal… And the depression is weighing me down again.

And what I’ve only told my therapist about: The desire to self-injure is so strong again. My sister, who I’ve told about everything else, the depression, the abuse, the rapes, doesn’t even know that I SI. I haven’t told her because I’m afraid she’ll equate it to suicide, and it’s not about that at all.

I’ve been told to work through how I feel when the urge hits, what I think SI will accomplish… OK…

I feel heavy, faded, hazy, unreal, unworthy, untouchable, disjointed. I’m afraid of myself, for myself, and by proxy then, for Max. Because if something does happen to me, he’s left with Sam. And that thought alone is enough to send me into a panic, because, Max… Max does not deserve to be treated the way Sam treated us.

What do I think SI will do for me?…. I’ll feel something physical. Something else to focus on. A different type of pain, one that I can control. I’ll feel HERE, less faded. Does that make sense? It does to me. It’ll bring at least one thing into very sharp focus.

After it’s done though, I’ll have to hide my arm again. Long sleeves. Vague sense of shame, but at the same time, in a very sad way, a sense of accomplishment. I can do this. Even if this is SI.

What have I done instead? … I’m writing here this time. Is it helping?

Oddly enough. Yes. Slowly. And… I’ve promised myself that I’ll let me get a tattoo where I usually SI when it heals and the scars fade more. A few lines that I love from a poem by Adrienne Rich:

The woman who cherished her suffering is dead. I am her descendant.

I love the scar-tissue she handed on to me,

but I want to go on from here with you

fighting the temptation to make a career of pain.

It’ll be just that much longer to wait if I do SI.

Here’s a link that I’ve been visiting lately that might help any one else struggling with SI (it will open a new window): http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/fself.html

I’ll be adding a copy to my Support Resources links, and any others that I find.